A few years ago NASA sent me to Buenos Aires to install a satellite link between NSF and the Argentine Space Agency. Buenos Aires is an interesting place; I had a great time and my hosts were wonderful. Unfortunately the day (a Friday) I was supposed to leave I was sitting in a park when my bag was, uh, acquired by some rather professional theives. I was sitting in a park reading waiting for my ride to the airport when something wet splattered against my head from behind. looked up and around and saw nothing; then when I looked down I saw my bag was missing... I never saw the perpetrators. That's professionalism! During the panic phase of this adventure all I could hear in my head was Karl Malden saying "What will you do?".

Fortunately my wallet was in my pocket and they didn't get that; and most of my luggage was back at the hotel (including my laptop :-). Unfortunately my passport, airline tickets, and visa were in my shoulder bag. I went back to the hotel where they called my hosts and the airline to tell them what had happened. They also put me in touch with the embassy; the embassy personnel told me (a) make a police report, and (b) show up Monday morning to get new papers. Seems they were closed (after all, it was 3pm on a Friday afternoon; what did I expect?) and couldn't do anything.

So I got to stay over the weekend. That was a Good Thing ®; as I said Buenos Aires is an interesting town and Sterling Software was picking up the tab. I had a nice weekend (thanks Hugo!) then headed down to the Embassy bright and early Monday morning. That's when the fun began. It started at the guard station - they wanted me to get into the US visa line. I explained that I was a US citizen and wasn't there for a visa (the line had about 300 people in it). They didn't care. I argued. They argued. Finally they just turned their backs and ignored me. Taking the hint I walked pas them to the US citizen door. They didn't stop me. So far, so good.

At the US citizen counter I explained the situation. They said fine, and wanted my passport photos. Of course, the duty officer on Friday neglected to mention that I'd need photos (although I did ask; she said just show up and they'd take care of everything. Yeah, sure.) So I asked where I should go to get photos. They handed me a list and told me to go to one of the places on the list. I asked how to get to one. They didn't know. I asked if they could change some money so I could take a cab. No. Finally one of the Marine guards took pity on me and exchanged some cash. On to find a cab...

The cab dropped me off in a rather, uh, interesting neighborhood. There I was able to obtain 4 black and white passport sized photos for the low low price of $30. Cash. No credit cards. Fortunately the Argentine dollar is 1:1 with the US dollar (by Argentine law) and most people take US dollars (before you ask: cabs don't. I don't know why.) You can tell from the photo that I was runnin' out of patience by then, but there's more... So I take a cab back to the embassy...

... where they want $60US for the passport. In cash. No credit cards. Now. Fortunately I had plenty of cash so that was easy. Except that they couldn't accept payment. Seems someone started the "close the books for the month" process on their computer and it couldn't be stopped. And they wouldn't take my cash without giving me a receipt. Grrrr... Finally (after an hour or so) they noticed that there was a crowd of about 30 irate US citizens getting more pissed by the minute, and they decided that they could "do it the old way". Sigh...

Ok so noon.5 comes around and I finally get my passport. It looks like it was made in someone's garage. Sheesh! So now it's off to United to get the tickets for my 7pm flight replaced... Plenty of time. HA!

Ok, so I'm in line at United for 0.5 hours. I explain what happened. They say they need the ticket number to issue a new one. I explain that the number is on the tickets and the theives have those. They say there's nothing they can do. I ask them if I can use their phone to make a credit card call back to the US so I can get them from our travel agency. No. The phone is only for their use. Can they make the call if I give them my credit card? No. "Is there another phone I can use?" I naively ask. "Maybe if you go to some of the other offices in the building one of them will let you use their phone" they answer (I'm NOT making this up!) I point out to them that I paid over $2,000 to United not the other people in the building. They shrug. Finally I ask the right question: "Is there an international calling station around here?" Oh yes - there's one a couple of blocks away.

So I trundle down there. Call one of my co-engineers. He conferences the travel agency in. They give me the numbers. They also promise that by the time I walk back to United the tickets will be waiting. Fine. So I get back to United. There's a new guy at the counter. I explain what's going on. I give him the ticket numbers. He says "What are these?". I explain. He says they are no good 'cause they were reported stolen. I tell him I know - they were stolen from me. He asks me where they are.

I explode.

The original guy notices I'm back (I expect most of the people in that office had noticed this fact by then) and comes over. Yes, they have my new tickets. Just sign here....

Ok, I figure I'm home free. The police told me I needed to get to the airport about 2 hours before normal time so immigration can do a new exit visa. I have a nice (late) lunch and head back to the hotel. My ride arrives. An hour later I'm at the airport. Where I get in the United check-in line...

The check-in person asks me for my visa. I explain. She says she can't accept my luggage without a visa. I say I know and ask her where I go to get a new one. She doesn't know. Again showing a stunning ability to ask the right question, I ask if there isn't an immigration office at the airport. She brightens - yes! There's one around the corner. So I go around the corner...

Great - an immigration office!! And it's open!!! Unfortunately it's not staffed. So I make a lot of noise. A guy comes out. I explain what happened. I show him the police report. He tells me I have to go back downtown to get a new visa...

... so I just put my head in my arms on the counter. And I (again) ask the right question: "Is there any way I can get out of this country today?" He points at a sign that apparently says (did I mention I don't speak Spanish?) that the fine for a lost visa is $42.33. Seems if I want a free replacement visa I have to go downtown. If I pay the fine I can have one now...

Money changes hands (there's an ATM at the airport that takes my bank card). A visa changes hands. I go through the United counter and for once there's no hassle. With a whopping 20 minutes to spare I made my flight. YEA!

The moral of this story: Don't expect people who are being paid to serve you to do so. Unless you're prepared to let them know how much you really want to be served. Cash helps with this...

Oh, and yeah - one more thing I learned. United Airlines sucks rocks. 75,000 miles in two years and I can't even use their phone for an emergency call that won't cost them a dime. Dorks! But I'm not bitter...